STFU, Parents

Comment Of The Blog “So, I just took a shit. I’ll be...

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 12:56:00 -0500

Comment Of The Blog

“So, I just took a shit. I’ll be having a little celebratory party at my apartment in five minutes. Refreshments provided. I hope you like apple juice, white wine, Baby Ruth bars, and creamed corn!”

- commieshoes wrote in response to the Potty Party link in the Links Round-Up.

I’ve got to say, this has been a spectacular week of comments. Those of you engaging in the comments section have been taking your funny pills. It was kind of hard to narrow the selection down to one winner, but ultimately commieshoes’s comment actually made me LOL. Enjoy the Pimp Chalice this week, commieshoes!

For those of you wondering what else cracked me up and was in the running, here are a few Honorable Mentions:

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“I’m an elementary school music teacher, and I don’t let my third grade students take their recorders home to practice. This is why.”

- LadyRapunzel wrote in response to this post about Potty Time Musicals.

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“I think she should make a life size painting of the poop on a velvet canvas.”

- Frances Bean wrote in response to Goldfinch86 after this post about Katrina’s INCREDIBLY AWESOME Thanksgiving.

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“It should be legal to hit public masturbators with those cattle stunners Javier Bardem’s character used in No Country For Old Men.”

- Kate Black wrote in response to pixie721 after this post about bad things that happen in the library.

******

A little gross, a little violent … but all-around hilarious. Thanks, guys!

Mom’s Gold Star Much like Marilyn, this May exchange...

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 11:47:14 -0500

Mom’s Gold Star

Much like Marilyn, this May exchange cracks me up. Drew really freaked out for a second there. Like SUPER EXCITED for no concrete reason. I love when that happens. It reminds me of this.

I’m not even sure who wins this Gold Star. I feel like it was a team effort. Even Laura’s Dad gets credit for this one. Congrats, you guys! Thanks for the comedy.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Links Round-Up As mentioned yesterday, there will be multiple...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:06:00 -0500

Links Round-Up

As mentioned yesterday, there will be multiple round-ups this week because the world, she keeps-a-turnin’. And there is plenty of ground to cover. Today’s installment begins with one of the highlights of my week: a photo of a woman who’s obsessed with dropping her kids off at the pool. The best part about this picture is that I have no idea what the context is, since I wouldn’t watch the Tyra show if you paid me (except for this of course, which is worth watching despite the 15-second commercial if you haven’t seen it). Thanks for the laugh, Wendy!

A UK mum and all 6 of her kids can see Michael Jackson’s face in her current ultrasound scan. That means it’s legit. Or, they’re all crazy. Thanks, Elizabeth! (via Daily Mail)
Several people alerted me to the TIME feature last week about helicopter parents. Shockingly, overparenting is being deemed an ineffective and potentially harmful parenting technique. Who would’ve guessed? Thanks, Caroline! (via TIME)
Along similar lines, scientists at UC San Diego are reporting that it’s perfectly healthy for kids to get dirty. I’m absolutely stupefied! Thanks, Donna! (via Boing Boing)
This gender cake trend is kind of cute? Because it brings bakers like my friend Theresa some business? I guess? Or it’s just another glorification of parenthood and super annoying. You be the judge! Thanks, Elizabeth! (via YouTube)
I dare ALL Y’ALL fools to do the Stanky Leg better than this toddler (or her brother, who has a real future in ‘dancing’). You must perform on a kitchen table to qualify in the competition. Thanks, Ralph! (via YouTube)

Don’t forget to check back for another Links Round-Up this weekend! Two words: Baby sling.

Ohhhh Danielle. Your update made me SMH as much as your kid...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:40:00 -0500

Ohhhh Danielle. Your update made me SMH as much as your kid makes you SYH. Are you breastfeeding a freaking 11-year-old? Does he also “pop off” to play quick games of Call Of Duty? Does he take breaks to study up on state capitals?

I appreciate the ‘TMI alert,’ but we’ve seen that in this space before, and it just doesn’t work. If it’s TMI and you know it, you’re not doing yourself any favors by pointing it out in the status. That’s like showing up to a meeting an hour late and saying, “I’m an hour late.” Um, cooool, way to state the obvious. My advice? Your kid is already ‘weened’. He sounds like he’s old enough to be MVP of his little league team. Just keep feeding him steak and potatoes and keep your breasts to yourself.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Movember is a great charity event that’s gained momentum...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:25:17 -0500

Movember is a great charity event that’s gained momentum through humor by employing the use of naturally-grown moustaches. That being said, using your kids to gain funds for any charity is pretty tacky. Especially if you’re pretending to speak for them as a joke.

I’m guessing it didn’t start that way in Graham’s mind. He probably thought his friends would like his quirky kids-centric update. You know, “we love carrots, but we hate cancer, yuk yuk yuk.” But judging by their response, that plan backfired. Nice one, Graham. You thought you were going to collect some scrill, and instead the joke’s on you.Maybe if you hadn’t used your “baby voice” your friends would take you a little more seriously. Good luck on the fundraising!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Links Round-Up The holiday season is upon us, and I’ve got...

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:04:32 -0500

Links Round-Up

The holiday season is upon us, and I’ve got so many got-damn links I hardly know what to do with myself! So I’ll be spreading them out over a few days of round-ups starting today. First up, a decorative Placenta Ceramic Sculpture. Buy it now for the one you love - or hate - the most! It makes the perfect holiday gift. Thanks, Yuan Chenzhi! (via Etsy)

In other placenta news, Dutch soccer/football player Robin van Persie famously had placenta rubbed into an ankle injury, which spawned a bunch of placenta-related articles, including a popular tidbit on placenta facials. Yes, you heard me right. The “latest Hollywood beauty craze.. involves having your face smeared with an ordinary-smelling cosmetic cream with one rather special ingredient.” You know what’s great after a placenta facial? Placenta sushi. Don’t like it? Don’t smear it on your face! Thanks, Alex and Maggie! (via ESPN, The Daily Mail and Yahoo!, respectively)
This fetus totally looks like the Emperor from Star Wars. (via Totally Looks Like)
Wait - MORE placenta??? Y’all remember Catherine Porter, don’t you? The woman I said deserves the award for the Most Sour White Wine? Well, she’s still out there talk about ~~women’s~~ mom’s issues, and I still want to sack her in the face with a 5lb. placenta. Here readers weigh in on their freezer-burned placentas in response to her article. I think they call that “garbage.” Thanks, Amy! (via)
Headline: “Moms Fight Outside School, One Stabbed.” Yes, there’s video. Thanks, Angela! (via)
Back in March when this blog was a tiny embryo I made a joke about the potty scene in Look Who’s Talking, Too. Apparently this woman, and other women, took that scene seriously. Celebratory Potty Parties are all the rage, and I am determined to get invited to one of them. Chocolate donuts, anyone? (via One Pretty Thing and The Diaper Diaries)

Stay tuned for more 2 more installments of Links Round-Up this week!

::Don’t forget to Follow Me on Twitter and Become A Fan on Facebook!::

Story Hour Everyone settle in with your fleece blanket and your...

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:02:00 -0500

Story Hour

Everyone settle in with your fleece blanket and your bag of trail mix. It’s time for another captivating round of Story Hour! This week’s story: ‘The Tale Of The Sky-High Laundry Pile’. Who’s excited??

Now, I don’t want to give away the ending, but let’s just say that the laundry stack got smaller and the clothes got cleaner! I’m not telling if the Laundry Lady in the story used dryer sheets, though. You’re just going to have to pay close attention to hear how the story unfolds. Get it?? Unfolds - like clothes?! *sigh* Jennifer’s stories are THE BEST.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Crotchless Mom Jeans® are probably the best idea that’s...

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 11:54:01 -0500

Crotchless Mom Jeans® are probably the best idea that’s come through this blog. You guys see that registered trademark? Yeah, that’s because I’m putting a patent on this bitch and rolling out a business plan. Mark my words - in 2010 everyone’s going to want a pair of STFU, Parents Crotchless Mom Jeans®. Acid washed, velcro, pleather - You name it, this line of Mom-pants is gonna have it.

The ad campaign will look a lot like this, except the pants will have a hole in place of the crotch fabric! And of course, they’ll be available in Chico’s stores nationwide.

(submitted by Anonymous)

This is one of those submissions that clearly could have should...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 16:25:00 -0500

This is one of those submissions that clearly ~~could have~~ should have been an email among friends. Jill, if you ever read this - I don’t hate your joke. No - let me rephrase: I don’t hate the concept of your joke. I’m not sure WHY the recorder is in the bathroom…but kids drag their stuff around. I get it. It’s just the photographic evidence of this event that makes me want to gargle with bleach.

Michael wouldn’t do this to his kids. He probably wouldn’t even take the picture. So why did you? What is up with kids on the potty - or in the tub, or on the bed - that sets off the ‘Facebook photo opp’ alarm for some parents? Someone, please explain it to me. Because we’ve seen so many examples of this already, and I’ve got at least 15 more submissions sitting in my ‘Potty’ file. It’s disturbing. I’m starting to feel like I’m in the minority here. Now we’re doing Potty Time Musicals? Make it stop!!

(submitted by Anonymous)

BOOM! David lays the smack down! “Three wonderful teenage...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:44:17 -0500

BOOM! David lays the smack down! “Three wonderful teenage girls”… BIATCH!!! I mean you know that’s what he was thinking.

It’s not that I don’t sympathize with Tired Mom Syndrome. I grew up with a mom who worked 60 hour weeks and occasionally wasn’t in the mood to take a trip to the library after work. But that doesn’t mean she would let me or my brother run amok when she was low on energy.

Methinks C.R. has some leftover ‘issues’ to work out. G.C. was just complaining about a kid screaming and growling and the parents not doing anything about it. I never heard “so the kid’s parents must be terrible” in the complaint. But for the record, if your kid is having a meltdown and you’re in a library, consider taking the little demon outside until he/she calms down. Why? Because it makes sense.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Moms On Strike: Part II It’s another installment of the...

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 15:17:20 -0500

Moms On Strike: Part II

It’s another installment of the Lauren & Christy Show!

Based on the current evidence (two submissions worth of bitching) I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Lauren and Christy have the same conversation with each other every week. Maybe even every day. It’s got to be hard to get riled up on Facebook and then promptly get back to all that Women’s Work - but hey, a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do!

Face it, Lauren. You will never go on strike. You will never have a husband who lifts a finger to do anything but eat pickles out of the jar. And you will never find the peace in your life that you so desperately need… unless you do exactly as I say: Step 1: SHUT UP. Step 2: If you have a complaint with your life partner, tell him about it. Step 3: Drop Christy. She’s a privileged white hussy who deserves to toil in shame for making that “Consuela” joke. To be completely honest, if I was the man who married either of you bitches I wouldn’t bother cleaning up, either.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Thanksgiving Follow-Up Hi, there! I hope everyone* had a great...

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 14:40:22 -0500

Thanksgiving Follow-Up

Hi, there! I hope everyone* had a great holiday and spent some time giving thanks for the things that really matter. I thought I’d kick things off today with a brief but important announcement that ALEX WENT POO ON THE BIG BOY POTTY ON THANKSGIVING!!!!! Talk about an INCREDIBLY AWESOME day for Katrina and her family, right?!! It’s almost as good as publicly laughing at your ex-husband for being in jail. Almost.

*By ‘everyone’ I mean, “people in the US.” Y’all know how Americans do.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Comment Of The Week “This has probably already been said...

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 18:19:00 -0500

Comment Of The Week

“This has probably already been said but I admit that I didn’t wade through the comments. FRESH BREAD IS IN THE OVEN!?! That is the most disgusting comment ever! Did you go the Sarah Jessica Parker school of dirty diaper smells?”

- Momof2boys, in response to this post about soft serve ice cream and kimchi diapers.

This comment is great because it’s funny AND references a timely Current Event. As mentioned in a recent Links Round-Up, SJP is apparently a fan of holding “warm” diapers up to her face and taking a long, satisfying whiff. She would probably get along with the Jocelyn clan juuust fine.

Congrats, Momof2boys! You win a virtual pumpkin pie with a homemade whipped cream topping (and the Pimp Chalice for the week, of course). It’s one of the few delicious foods left that hasn’t been ruined by Oversharers!

Mom’s Gold Star Peter’s got a point that many of you...

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:50:45 -0500

Mom’s Gold Star

Peter’s got a point that many of you - and I - have made before: Facebook goes from fun to weird when half the people you know are represented by the faces of their darling angels.

Your kids are generally adorable. But the smart move is to throw a pic up of yourself with your kid. Maybe you’re walking on the beach together. Maybe you’re eating birthday cake. Whatever the case, try not to disappear behind the image of a 1-year-old. Your friends are buddies with you on Facebook, not your kid.

Congrats, Peter on winning this week’s Most Prestigious Award! I will, however, add an addendum to Peter’s tell-it-like-it-is update: If you must replace your profile pic with an image of someone else, Teen Wolf is perfectly acceptable.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Happy Thanksgiving!! Apparently Amys have a lot to be thankful...

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 11:35:53 -0500

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Apparently Amys have a lot to be thankful for today. Nuthin’ like a little ex-husband jailtime to get the pomegranate wine flowing on the holidays! I love the bit about her “Uncle” too. Prison can be SO small town.

I know I mentioned what I was thankful for in the last post, but I want to add something to that: I am thankful that people feel compelled to trash talk their exes on Facebook. That shit never gets old. LMAO

(submitted by Anonymous)

Happy Thanksgiving!! What are you thankful for today?...

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 11:12:44 -0500

Happy Thanksgiving!!

What are you thankful for today? Amy’s thankful for so many things. Family, not puking, and having a beautiful child whose puke she is able to clean up. Awww, that is just … well, actually that’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard anyone be thankful for.

Usually it goes family, friends, pets, whiskey. Not exactly sure where the puke fits in. Especially since it’s, ya know, a day to feast and whatnot??

Thanksgiving FAIL.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Personal Sidenote ::Y’all know what I’m thankful today, right? No, not this. Or this. I’m thankful for you! Thanks for reading this absurd, gross and unfortunately accurate account of oversharing parents. It makes my day, every day!::

Jocelyn is one lucky lady. She’s surrounded by friends who...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:43:29 -0500

Jocelyn is one lucky lady. She’s surrounded by friends who are as willing to engage in descriptive poop “conversations” as she is. If I wrote this update I’m fairly certain my friend count would be reduced by about 40%, but I guess that’s because my friends don’t like sitting around talking about the look, smell and texture of “fresh bread in the oven.”

All I know is, I’m glad it’s not summer anymore. Last time I came across a Soft Serve Submission it really ruined ice cream for me for a while. Although this one is equally as nauseating considering Jeff had to throw out that line about kimchi and fermentation. Ugh. Oh, and Cora? Your comment about the Dairy Queen swirl may just be the grossest joke ever told, so congrats!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Doodles. They’re a hot topic with parents who have boys....

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:16:51 -0500

Doodles. They’re a hot topic with parents who have boys. Remember Sarah’s pelvic thrusts tale? Yeah, me too.

I think the (most) disturbing part of this Twitter thread is the final post. It’s got the telltale ‘LOL’ at the end and is clearly past the point of “acceptable.” No one needs that much ~~poor little tiny thing~~ doodle talk. Not to mention the words ‘rough’ and ‘Play-Doh’ leave me feeling rather discomposed. Way to paint a picture, ‘mom’! Someone hand me the babysitter registration form!

(submitted by Anonymous)

**Note: Sorry posts have been a little sporadic the past couple days. I’m doing the family thing for Turkey Day but I will be posting (if randomly) throughout the week!**

So, instead of writing a wittle note to tell ‘puppa...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 09:56:58 -0500

So, instead of writing a wittle note to tell ‘puppa bear’ how sweet and awesome he is, ~~Jackson~~ Nicole decided to type it out for the world to see. Awwwwwwwww. I was just saying the other day that Facebook needs more Schmoopy**. Especially Schmoopy “written” by an infant.

Then again, it could have been worse. It could have been this.

(submitted by Anonymous)

**STFU, Marrieds typically corners this active and irritating market.

It’s a Dads Weekend over at STFU, Parents! Yesterday we...

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:15:34 -0500

It’s a Dads Weekend over at STFU, Parents! Yesterday we had Joshua’s 5th nosebleed, and today we have Kangapoo.

I’m not going to lie - the yellow star is covering more than this child’s rear end. Let’s just say that toilet paper isn’t entirely clean and white. Which brings this picture to a whole other level, as you can imagine. It makes me wonder just how much Kool Aid this Dad is drinking. As far as I’m concerned, if you think people want to see your kid racing around the house with poop-stained toilet paper “poking out of her bum,” you’ve gone off the deep end. The TMI Police have you on file, David. (You, too Shannon.)

(submitted by Anonymous)